How to Survive Criticism : A 5-step Guide
By Nikeva Mos, M.Sc. Health Psychology
Author of The Sirens of Exaggeration
Joe was a very thoughtful and polite person. He was brought up like this, but he also believed it was the proper way to behave and think. His calm character and manners didn’t make him spectacularly popular as a child and teenager, but they won him a handful of friends for life.
Throughout his school and university years, he found it difficult to deal with criticism coming from either peers or teachers, as, in his mind, he needed to correct faults and flaws that others spotted so as to be a better person. Even as an adult, he spent several sleepless nights trying to figure out what he had done wrong, as he took every remark to heart and felt upset with himself. He was a positive person and enjoyed his life, but thinking about what caused hurtful comments took up a lot of his time and made him feel bad about himself.
Things became more difficult when he got a job at a big company, as his skills and qualifications landed him in a position with a lot of responsibilities. It was frustrating for him to deal with both his superiors and the people he had to manage because harsh remarks, pressing demands, and unfair accusations were part of his daily routine. He couldn’t understand why others behaved this way and didn’t know how to protect himself while still be true to his nature. As a result, he started feeling more insecure than usual, his stress levels went sky-high, and his personal life suffered too. Things seemed to be getting out of control, and he had no idea what was wrong, let alone how to fix it.
The Power of Negative Emotions
Most of us realize that we are not perfect and that we make mistakes. So, why is it that sometimes criticism hurts so much and we find it difficult to recover? How can a few words make us feel bad or upset to the point of losing our temper and faith in ourselves?
The answer is simple: we get emotional and let our feelings of wounded pride guide our thoughts and actions because everyone loves admiration and hates disapproval. Emotions, and especially negative ones like embarrassment and humiliation, rise so fast that our rational brain doesn’t have the time to think in an emotion-free way to help us survive these unpleasant moments and keep calm. Let’s make it quite clear that negative emotions are extremely useful because they give us signals about something wrong that we need to take care of. They work as protectors to keep us alive and feel good, mainly about ourselves. The problem is that they are so fast and strong that we let them be the masters than the servants they should be. That means that the moment we think we are attacked through criticism, our flaws exposed, and our mistakes highlighted, the unpleasant emotions tell us to do something about it to save our self-image and save face, too.
Then, one of two things usually happens: one possibility is to react strongly to defend our dignity by getting into an argument with our accuser. Chances are we will end up in a verbal fight with lots of bitter words and hard feelings that will last for a long time. The other possibility is to keep everything inside, suffer silently for the injustice we faced, and maybe blame ourselves for not standing up to such disrespectful behavior. Both reactions make us feel upset and hurt. How can we avoid that?
Fair and Unfair Criticism
Without a doubt, we have all given and received some kind of criticism. In fact, it happens every day, even when we just talk to ourselves. Criticism can hide behind the judgments we make, the disapproval we show, or the value we give to someone or something. It’s a way to express our opinions, demands, and disagreements. It can target anything: behavior, performance, appearance, policies, ourselves, or the world.
However, the important questions here are: What is the motive behind the act? Does criticism aim to improve or hurt? Is it used to help or insult? Fortunately, we have the tools to make sense of the criticism we receive and face it without being hurt. The first step is to understand the difference between constructive and destructive criticism. The constructive form presents a person’s view and aims at providing helpful feedback or even suggestions for improvement. It can help to keep both parts in a discussion rather than an argument. The destructive form uses our mistakes or flaws to make us feel bad or to help the other person let off steam, even if we aren’t the cause of their frustration.
Another important aspect to keep in mind is whether criticism is fair or unfair. Fair criticism is when someone accurately points out something we do wrong. Unfair criticism is when someone basically disagrees with our ways and wants to make us play along to their tune or just wishes to hurt our feelings. And how about the manner, the look, and the tone of voice of the critic? Don’t they matter? Of course, they do! In fact, those are the ingredients of criticism we fear the most. These aspects can hurt us deeply because they can feel like an attack on our character and dignity if they show contempt, irony, anger, or disappointment. What do we do then?
How to Overcome Criticism
There are 5 game-changing steps that can help us overcome any kind of criticism without losing our heads or letting the situation fill us with doubts about ourselves:
Step 1: We don’t react immediately.
That means, if we are to deal with criticism effectively, we need some precious moments of non-action so as to give our conscious mind time to think and override the pure emotional reaction by our “I-am-in-danger” mode. It is common to react before having all the information because our survival mechanisms don’t search for details but for threats.
Step 2: We decide what it’s about.
Is it about us or a situation that has come up and we happen to be involved? Is it about something we did wrong? Something inappropriate we said? Or is it an attack on our personality and a characteristic of ours? These are very important distinctions, as the criticism may be about a specific event and not us as a person.
Step 3: We define what we are up against.
What kind of criticism is it? Is it constructive that intends to make things better? Or is it destructive with the aim to make us feel incompetent, foolish, and inferior? Is it even partly true, or is it completely unjustified? Let’s keep in mind that the speaker’s tone of voice directly sparks our emotional reaction, but we need to go beyond that and listen to the actual message.
Step 4: We ask for clarifications.
Questions like, “What do you mean? Could you be more specific? Can I do something to change the situation?” and “What do you suggest we do now?” can calm things down and leave room for finding solutions. But be aware: OUR tone of voice is the key to this step because the exact same questions, if expressed with anger or contempt, can fuel a full-scale fight.
Step 5: We respond the way we decide.
If we are at fault,we can apologize with dignity with something like, “I hadn’t realized how seriously you would take it”. If we disagree with what we hear, we speak up for ourselves calmly and stand our ground with something like, “I am sorry you feel that way, but there is little I can do about it”.
Conclusion
All in all, we must remember that the message that any criticism gives us isn’t an absolute fact. It can be just another person’s point of view that we need to examine and not necessarily agree with. Surely, it would be really nice to have everybody’s acceptance and respect, but since this isn’t happening, we had better learn to deal with criticism in a way that won’t affect our personalities and helps us keep our inner peace.
People and events are fictional and created for illustrative purposes. Any resemblance to actual individuals and situations is purely coincidental.
Disclaimer: This article is intended to offer views about daily life and well-being. In case you use any of the information in this article, the author assumes no responsibility for your actions. The information given in this article cannot replace the individualized help that health and mental health professionals can offer.
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