I’ll See What I Can Do : The Power of Setting Boundaries
By Nikeva Mos, M.Sc. Health Psychology
Author of The Sirens of Exaggeration
When we set no limits to ourselves or others, harm can be on the way.
Linda
Linda is the mother of three children, aged 5, 8, and 12. She works as a personal assistant in a doctor’s office, and her husband has his own hardware store. Both work long hours, but at least she has a regular working schedule while her husband is away from home most of the day. So, running the household and the children’s program is her responsibility. Her in-laws and her own mother live nearby, but their health problems don’t let them be of much help.
Linda is doing a good job managing all the things on her plate, and everyday life is smooth and more or less calm. Both her husband and her boss are thoughtful people, so she gets support whenever she needs it, whether it is an occasional night out with her friends or a day off work when a child is sick at home. She takes great care not to take advantage of their good will, so she tries to manage things on her own as much as possible.
The problem is that her gentle nature and her guilt for not spending the time she would like with her children have made her give in to their wants much too often. Without realizing it, she has fallen into the trap of replacing the lost time with favors and stuff that seem to keep them happy and help to avoid nagging. More TV time than is appropriate; junk food almost every day; expensive items they want and get the moment they desire them.
Lately, she has noticed the same patterns with her mother and in-laws: no matter how hard she tries to meet their needs, they keep asking for more and in a more pressing way. The result is that she has started feeling exhausted, irritable, and overwhelmed. What she needs is to enter the I-will-see-what I-can-do zone.
Giving is in our Nature, But Full Availability Can Spoil Others
We all want to please those we love. In fact, several other people too, because we need their approval or to be in their good books. So, we do stuff to help and show our support because we are kind, thoughtful, and social human beings.
It’s in our nature to offer care and provide for others when we feel they are in need.
Biologically, it creates pleasure chemicals in the brain that make us feel good and want to repeat these behaviors. This means that the body also feels the results of our actions, and like the feeling of hunger it creates when it needs food, it pushes us to do things that will bring satisfaction on a neurochemical level.
Psychologically, we feel worthy and happy to see those around us satisfied and grateful for the attention we give them. It boosts our self-image and covers the need for acceptance and recognition.
The problem is that we want more and more of these good feelings, and other people want more and more of the advantages our behavior offers. It may start slowly and with small things like allowing our child to sleep later than agreed on a school day, picking up groceries for our aunt at a moment’s notice, or taking on urgent paperwork at the office that is someone else’s responsibility. Little by little, we give in more easily, do more things, allow extra freedom, and become more available.
When we think about it logically, it doesn’t make sense to do something like that, but during the rush of everyday life, we don’t have the time to make choices as we need to get things done, avoid arguments, or appear cooperative and useful. At a deeper level, what drives this kind of behavior that can become uncontrollable without realizing it is the fear of not living up to our and other people’s expectations. And someone may wonder: Why is this a bad thing?
The Problem with Giving Too Much
So, let’s talk consequences. Basically, when we almost never say no, we do harm to ourselves AND the people we think we are helping.
The troubles we create for ourselves are both practical and psychological. Everyday life can be very difficult if each time we are asked to give away a bit of time or strength by several people, we are face to face with a tight schedule, a lot of pressure to deal with things, increasing stress, and decreasing energy. It’s not uncommon to put aside our own needs and plans in order to satisfy others. And this has to do with money, too. For example, if we give in to our children’s wishes for new stuff or more expensive things than the family budget can afford, it means that this money will be taken from something else.
The satisfaction we feel when we provide for others is great and part of the reason why we do it. This is a behavior that comes from our emotional part, which cares only about the present moment—to feel good and avoid discomfort now. But later, who is going to squeeze their brains to make ends meet or magically find time for everything? The rational part.
The downside is that while trying to juggle endless balls, negative emotions also appear. So, the pleasure of giving without thought is short-lived. And that is true for those whom we pamper. They learn to take less and less responsibility for themselves and become dependent on others. They start to put their needs first, be impatient if they want something, and take our help for granted. Their wishes turn into demands, and if they are not met, they become moody, disappointed, and even aggressive.
These attitudes we help others build are especially harmful when it comes to young children because they learn and follow a problematic way of connecting with people.
Setting Boundaries that Build Healthier Relationships
But why can these noble motives have such a harmful effect on others and on our psychological state? The brief answer is that we set no limits. Not to ourselves, and not to others either.
The thought of refusing assistance may sound unkind, but one of the essential skills for a balanced life is self-control. The same way we resist temptation and don’t drink when we have to drive, we need to make sure that we have the time and the strength to do what we are asked. To make sure that we agree too, because we may feel it’s wrong. If we don’t check this short list first, we can end up with too much pressure on us, and the truth is that we are also responsible for it. The first gut feeling may be to go for it, but we need to use both logic and emotion to make a truly sound decision.
Of course, there are cases of emergency when there is no question if we can or want to do something because it’s important and serious. But here, we talk about the other million everyday situations that aren’t a matter of life and death, and we treat them as such. These are the ones that build up stress, negativity, and a constant state of anxiety.
If we are to change our ways and still be true to our polite, caring nature, we have to learn to take a bit of time to think about our actions and, at the same time, let others know that they have our attention, but we must make sure we can offer what they ask for. At first, they’ll probably find it difficult to have their requests delayed or even refused, but we need to re-program our relationships to be healthier and more satisfying for both parties. So, the I-will-see-what-I-can-do zone is a good place to start.
People and events are fictional and created for illustrative purposes. Any resemblance to actual individuals and situations is purely coincidental.
Disclaimer: This article is intended to offer views about daily life and well-being. In case you use any of the information in this article, the author assumes no responsibility for your actions. The information given in this article cannot replace the individualized help that health and mental health professionals can offer.
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